i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
