I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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