I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Randomize
