how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
