im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
