I can text with my tongue
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
