You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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