She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I see more hoeing in ur future
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