Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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