i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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