No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
