I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Dear god my vagina.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
