He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
