I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
