dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
