You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
