....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
