her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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