my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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