There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sober January is a disaster.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
