fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
