obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
