Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
