everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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