if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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