one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
