My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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