i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
