He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
