New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
