He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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