my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
