so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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