I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
