The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
