I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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