note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
