You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
