wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
