Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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