Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
