They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
