Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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