If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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