how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
