As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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