I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
