Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
