I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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