She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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