You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
