I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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