the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
